I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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