Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
