bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
