Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
