Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
