Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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