The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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