I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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