I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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