I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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