Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
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I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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