so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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