Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
