He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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