my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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