Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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