It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
