Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
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