I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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