I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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