i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
