College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
