Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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