I wish my penis had an off switch
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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