You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The Olympian is in my bed
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
