a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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