ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
