I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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