I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
