just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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