he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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