I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
