She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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