I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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