I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
