we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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