One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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