She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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