Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
