I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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