Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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