On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
