Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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