I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize