Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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