Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
