Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
