She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
