I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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