seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
