I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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