i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
