I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
even my farts smell like vagina
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am naked and annoyed.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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