I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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