what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
