when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
