Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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