last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
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