At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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