At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Panties = found
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
