Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
